Come on ladies.... Don't you ever just want to scream? Like maybe, just maybe the loud vibrations emitting from your vocal cords will make everything better.
-It will make the kids that you stupidly agreed to chaperon stop standing on the bus so they don't fall and crack they're heads open, spilling their brain matter.
-Or maybe it will make the asshole (not to be confused with little old ladies or men, you show the highest respect for them because that will be YOU someday) who's been driving 20 miles under the speed limit for 5 miles, speed up because you're about ready to drive into his backseat.
-Hey who knows, it may just help the government realize that you ARE in need of federal student aid and they'll grant you the money that you deserve so you can finish your education.
-Or maybe screaming at town meetings will somehow get your point across and the government won't do what it damn well pleases.
-What about the laundromat who completely ruined your Oscar de la Renta dress that you were going to wear to this kick ass party? Surely screaming at the small Korean lady will make her replace the $300 dress that she just ruined.
-Or the couple that has no discretion what so ever and is practically having sex in the food court while you're trying to enjoy your wonderfully prepared salad.
I don't have to tell you that everything mentioned is wishful thinking. But honestly sometimes being a bitch is essential to a woman's sanity and the human race's survival. I mean which would you rather have: A woman who just totally humiliated you because you did something really stupid that she could have just overlooked OR A sugary-sweet woman who overlooks you're stupidity and insensitivity who's smiling at you over her wine glass and telling you that the wine you just drank contained high volumes of arsenic and you're going to die in 30 seconds? The problem with some women today is they don't know how to be a bitch and maintain a certain level of class and dignity. Well my friends, allow me to enlighten you:
1.) Subtly and discretion are key. You must maintain a calm demeanor in the face of poor manners and lack of chivalry. For instance: You're in line at the department store and you drop your wallet, giving someone who obviously does not understand the concept of a line the opportunity to cut in front of you. Politely state that you were in line, if they do not acknowledge you or they smirk don't get angry. Simply offer your sweetest smile and say something like this: "Its okay, I understand why you need to get to the front of the line. I would rush to buy something new too if I was wearing that."
2.) Do not let them see you sweat or cry. Tears show defeat in certain situations, they also can be used to obtain several things of value or instill guilt. However in the case of your boyfriend screaming at you because you were late because of traffic DO NOT let him see you cry. Instead, show him the error of his arrogance. If he's being an asshole because you're late simply remind him of the times he was late (preferably important events: family dinners, etc.) or how you were forced to sit through a boxing match when Desperate Housewives was on.
3.) When faced with another bitch, test the water. If your rival is experienced in being a classy bitch DO NOT go head to head with her, instead befriend her and learn her secrets and where she shops (classy bitches usually have fantastic style). If things don't work out and you have a fallout, you now have all of her secrets AND (I would hope) a pair of her Jimmy Choos.
4.) You must give them at least one chance before you release your inner bitch. It's just common courtesy. If you're on a plane for 6 hours and get stuck with a rather chatty-kathy in the seat next to you, give them one warning: "It really is nice to meet you, but I'm dying to finish this book. I hope you understand." most people will get the point and shut up. If they don't ( I mean you gave them fair warning) its time to release the bitch: "You know in this novel I'm trying to read someone very similar to yourself gets thrown off a cliff because she just couldn't keep her mouth shut." or "Look, I asked you nicely the first time. I can't read with someone who has the voice of Richard Simmons on speed chatting my ear off."
5.) Some people don't get that when you buy something it's yours. In the case of roomates this is a common occurrence. You buy food for yourself, they consume it before you get a taste, the shampoo you buy is mysteriously disappearing faster than you thought after 2 days, your body spray is disappearing and then reappearing with less in it, etc. You've tried to be nice by asking her to kindly stop. She won't. Now you have no choice but to get nasty. Some replace things like shampoo and food with less desirable items, which is good. However we must not forget our wit my fellow womenfolk. If she's eating your protein bars, using your shampoo and body spray you have but one thing to say: "Obviously you have some problem of trying to change your drab and dull appearance into something more divine or else you wouldn't be using my shit."
6.) Men cannot help it, when a striking woman walks by they turn their heads and look. So do you when the Orlando Bloom look-alike walks by. However if they're constantly remarking how hot Megan Fox or Lindsay Lohan are or how perfect their boobs are, then they need to be shown the error of their ways. If this is a problem, nonchalantly say: "You know I was talking with [insert friends name here] the other day and we just couldn't come to a decision on who had the best body: Collin Feral or Hugh Jackman. If you think that was a grueling argument you should have heard the one we had on who had the bigger dick." He may say that it doesn't bother him...but we know that it so does.
7.) Finally, the Twilight obsession. I get it, you love it; you think that Edward Cullen is sex on a stick. Fine, if you want to indulge yourself in that sort of crap that they call 'literature' go right ahead. But do not try to make me see reason. I stand by my belief that Edward Cullen is NOT a vampire but merely a personification of the 'bad boy' hero and the overly used 'forbidden love' cliche. You want a vampire, read Dracula. If you are unfortunate enough to have one of these people as your friend...first my deepest sympathies, second if they know that you don't like it but they're trying to make you like it, then they aren't your friend. So feel free to use this:
Cullenite: "OMG EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN TWILIGHT BELLA EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN"
You: "Could we please talk about something else? You know that sort of thing doesn't interest me."
Cullenite: "I know but how could you not like EDWARD CULLEN?!?!?!?! HE'S SO HOT! EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN"
You: *sweet smile* "Sweetie did you know that people who tend to obsess over fictional characters tend to die alone in one room apartments with 30 cats?"
So those are just some helpful hints. Its tough out there ladies and though we try to be sweet, caring, compassionate, and upstanding women sometimes...well we need to release our inner bitch (while maintaining our classyness) in order to show that we're no-nonsense. Ultimately, people (especially men. Not boys, real men) will respect you more for standing up for yourself.
Cheers!
No comments:
Post a Comment