Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Geese are minions of the Devil

I'm normally an animal lover, I support the ASPCA and abhor animal cruelty of any kind. I haven't met an animal that stirs within me a deep hatred and causes me to want to brandish a firearm so as I may violently slaughter them....

 Until I discovered the evil nature of the Canada Goose.

 Oh sure, they look harmless and graceful; but I am certain that this is a facade they use in order to lure us into a false sense of security. They are mean, they hiss and they will call upon their demonic brethren to destroy the human race.
What caused such a deep rooted hatred and loathing for these evil animals? Allow me to transport you to a time when my innocence was nearly pecked to death, destroyed by feathered minions of hell.
 Imagine a lovely summer day in a small State Park located in the tiny town of Crisfield, Maryland; it was a fireman's picnic by the channel there was food, laughter, and children playing. One child in particular was in awe of nature's beauty and her creatures that inhabited it. I was this child, and my love for nature and animals was nearly destroyed that day. Being the caring seven year old that I was, I wanted to share my food with the animals that brought me so much pleasure; all I had to offer them was a bag of potato chips, I was willing to share them all and only have a few for myself. Little did I know that this graciousness would be rewarded with horror. I had been cautious at first, tossing the chips to one of the geese...then one became two, two became three...soon there was a flock of geese surrounding me. I would notice all too late. The geese were gently taking the potato chips from my hand, honking quietly..."How nice!" I thought, "They're saying thank you!" Now I recognize it as plotting to destroy me. Soon I realized that I was running out of potato chips, I rose to go get more...I was surrounded...and the geese were still hungry.

Suddenly I felt a tug at my shorts, then a painful pinch of my arm...finally a lone goose let out a cry to tell the others to attack. I was engulfed in a sea of feathers and pecking beaks, I felt the painful bite of their horrid mouths and the smell of their rancid bodies was more than I could handle. My mind began to race: There was so much that I hadn't done! I had such big plans for third grade, I had my first trapper keeper! I HAD A TRAPPER KEEPER WITH A UNICORN ON IT THAT I WOULD NEVER GET TO USE. IT HAD MATCHING FOLDERS. What of the bedazzled jean jacket that I had just gotten for my birthday? I would never get to wear it! WHAT OF MY JELLIES?! They would bury me in those, there was no way my sister would get them.

 Just as I had given up hope...a light appeared and the hand of God reached into the feathery, honking hell and set me free. Actually it was my Mother but when a seven year old is in such a precarious and dangerous situation anything freeing her from it is nothing short of divine. From that day on, I vowed to prove that geese are out to destroy the human race.

My point is proven by all of the information that is being discovered about geese and their evilness. Lets start first with an annoyance that we've all had to deal with: Goose shit. An adult goose may eat as much as four lbs of grass and other forage daily. That leads to about two lbs of goose poop a day. TWO POUNDS OF GOOSE SHIT PER GOOSE. Depending on the area, that poop may be dispersed in ponds or lakes or it may end up on land. It can get in our drinking water, our pet's drinking water, and it somehow attracts our dogs to roll, eat, and frolic in it. It's been proven that it carries all sorts of nasty bacteria, e-coli and salmonella being the most prominent.

What happens if they find out where the main sources of our drinking water are? All they'd have to do is get twenty or thirty of their satanic soldiers to back up and take a dump in the water for a massive bacterial outbreak!

 If any of you have watched the news in the past few years, you'll have bound have seen a story or two about planes being brought down by "birds." The only bird smaller than a goose that can take out a plane with its flock are seagulls, which happen to be another species of bird I abhor but that's for another time. Geese are the primary culprits in bringing down the JetBlue plane on Wednesday. The article states: "The bird strike is the second to ground a New York flight in less than a week, after a Delta plane was forced to turn back to JFK Airport last Thursday." IT PLAINLY STATES THAT GEESE ARE TRYING TO KILL US. If you want someone else who feels this way about geese, just ask Sully Sullenberger.

 Ready yourself my friends, for we are at war. It won't be long before they try to kidnap our children, influence our media, and try to kill us all so that their evil race can flourish and destroy everything that humans have created in this world.