Shattered Fragments: Anime and Mental Illness

I never set out to be an advocate for mental illness, it was never something I was passionate about because I didn’t understand it. As a matter of fact, it terrified me because of the stigma that is associated with it. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety that I really began to understand what it’s like to live with something like a mental illness, what pain really was, and what it’s like to live in a world that fears and misunderstands you. I may sound a bit dramatic, but when you’re constantly told that your condition is something of an imaginary concept and these feelings that you have aren’t validated, you get fed up and want to speak what is in your soul.

It’s hard to explain what it’s like to someone who doesn’t have a mental illness what it’s like to have one. I only know how I feel on my darkest days, and I am very different from someone else with a similar condition, see that’s what makes this so hard: no two people with a mental illness are exactly alike. What works for one may not work for another, it’s not an exact science; it’s mostly trial and error because the human mind is one of the most mysterious “organs” on the body.

The world hasn’t really been kind to those with mental illness, since the very first human came into existence we have feared and mistreated those who suffer with this condition. It’s been associated and portrayed in our society as a negative thing; television shows and movies depicting horrific asylums, crazy killer patients, and perverted psychologists (sometimes referred to crudely as “shrinks”). It also doesn’t help that a stigma has been in place for centuries. While researching the subject, I discovered that the first recorded Lunatic Asylum in Europe was the Bethlem Royal Hospital in London, and it has been a part of London since 1247 when it was built as a priory. It became a hospital in 1330 and admitted its first mentally ill patients in 1407. Before the Madhouse Act of 1774, treatment of the Insane was carried out by non-licensed practitioners, who ran their Madhouses as a commercial enterprise and with little regard for the inmates. The Mad House act established the licensing required to house insane patients, with yearly inspections of the premises taking place. Back in America, the U.S. Library of Medicine states that the mentally ill in early American communities were generally cared for by family members, however, in severe cases they sometimes ended up in almshouses or jails. Because mental illness was generally thought to be caused by a moral or spiritual failing, punishment and shame were often handed down to the mentally ill and sometimes their families as well. As the population grew and certain areas became more densely settled, mental illness became one of a number of social issues for which community institutions were created in order to handle the needs of such individuals collectively.

This scared the crap out of me when I read it because we really haven’t come that far as far as the stigma and treatment of the mentally ill is concerned. It shows in our culture but it’s not obvious like some other issues that we deal with in society, it’s subtle and quiet.

Anime has been the only genre that openly deals with issues like depression, anxiety, psychosis, PTSD, and many other conditions. It unapologetically portrays it in a raw, gritty manner, not pulling any punches and it’s just…real. As someone who has been in this world for some time there is an authenticity to it, an authenticity that you just can’t find anywhere else. Here are just a few characters that I relate to, and characters that I think portray what it’s like to live within this often dark world. The following may contain spoilers so read with caution!

Yuki Takeya: School-Live!

Yuki is a classic case of someone dealing with PTSD and psychosis. The NIMH classifies PTSD and psychosis as so:

“ PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.”

“The word psychosis is used to describe conditions that affect the mind, where there has been some loss of contact with reality. When someone becomes ill in this way it is called a psychotic episode. During a period of psychosis, a person’s thoughts and perceptions are disturbed and the individual may have difficulty understanding what is real and what is not.  Symptoms of psychosis include delusions (false beliefs) and hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that others do not see or hear). Other symptoms include incoherent or nonsense speech, and behavior that is inappropriate for the situation.”

She sees the world as she wants it to be and not how it really is. After witnessing both her classmate Kurumi kill her senpai because he turned and the courage of her favorite teacher sacrifice herself to the zombies, Yuki completely shuts down and enters a psychosis where it is not the apocalypse and everything is as it should be: she’s at school with her friends, she regularly goes to classes, and she enthusiastically bounds through the hallways as if nothing has happened. The most tragic of this situation is her dealing with the death of her favorite teacher Megumi. She still speaks and addresses her as if she is still there, even having hallucinations of her. As the show progresses we find that slowly, Yuki’s world is collapsing around her and she is forced to accept the fact that her favorite teacher is in fact dead, and her life as she knew it has changed. It’s often very hard to watch and even the most experienced doctor has trouble with patients suffering with these conditions because as I said before: no two cases are alike.

Shinji Ikari – Neon Genesis Evangelion

Shinji, like me, suffers from major depression and anxiety. If he’s not isolating himself and questioning his will to live, he’s constantly seeking approval from his peers to make up for his sense of self-worthlessness. Going back to the NIMH, it has several definitions for depression, so I’ve somewhat formed my own: It is a condition where you feel worthless; no matter what you do it won’t amount to anything. You hurt and you want to cry but you have no idea why nor is there a good reason for it. It’s like a dark cloud hanging over you that is constantly telling you how stupid, worthless, and insignificant you are. Add anxiety into the mix and you have this feeling of falling and seeing the floor coming up fast on you—all the time. Shinji is constantly questioning his worth, he’s always worrying about what others think of him, and he’s contemplating that he’s just not worth anything. The creator Hideaki Anno, suffered from depression and psychosis. He actually wrote the original ending during a psychotic break; the show is tied as a projection of the author’s own mental state.

If you are one of the 350 Million People Worldwide that suffer from depression, if you are suffering from anxiety, if you are suffering from any sort of mental illness I want you to know something:

I’m here to say that it is okay to say that you hurt, that you matter very much, and you are no different than someone with any other medical condition; you just hurt in a different way. That’s the key to getting a handle on your Mental Health: remember that you matter, that there is someone out there who does care, and you story is an important addition to this world we live in.

Your story is important; you have something wonderful to give to this world. Sometimes anime can be a mirror of someone’s heart and soul. This is not weird; it doesn’t make you a freak. It makes you human. What are some of your favorite shows? Who in an anime has spoken to you? Let’s have a discussion. That’s how change happens, that’s how stigma’s get kicked out.

If you want to read more on this topic, here’s a great article from BuzzFeed: http://www.buzzfeed.com/jeanlucbouchard/how-an-anime-series-helped-me-recognize-my-depression#.oc9GaEoDL

Review: Erased, Ep 1: Flashing Before My Eyes

Erased is one of the many new shows this winter premiering on Crunchyroll. Usually I pass over several because I simply don’t have the time to watch them all. This show intrigued me as I do have a special place in my heart for the psychological thriller, however I went in with a below average expectation because the show, from the description, sounded like a typical anime trope (from Crunchyroll):

Satoru Fujinuma is a young manga artist struggling to make a name for himself following his debut. But, that was not the only thing in his life that Satoru was feeling frustrated about…he was also living with a strange condition only he was able to experience. - REVIVAL A strange phenomenon where one is transferred back to the moment right before something life-threatening occurs. This continues to happen until the cause of the threat is erased. It is as if somebody is forcing Satoru to stop it from happening

Sounds kind of “eh” right? The descriptions never really do the show justice I’ve found. Let’s dive into it shall we?

Minor spoilers ahead!

“I’m scared to get to the heart of my own mind.”

The show opens with Satoru stating this internally as his editor in chief tells him that he must put more of himself in his work if he ever wants to become a better manga artist. As he walks back to his dead-end job at a pizza parlor I notice that the character design of Satoru is very specific: He’s tall and lanky, he has glasses, and a sort of “woe is me” look on his face all the time. He’s immediately portrayed as someone who is more of a reactive force in his life rather than a proactive one. Strangely enough, I found myself being able to relate to him. Depending on what age you are, we’ve all had moments in our lives where we’re working at a dead-end job just to keep the lights on and the fridge somewhat full. It’s not what we want to do for the rest of our lives, no that dream we proclaim to the world and hope that through our talent and will it’ll come to fruition. Satoru has sort of reached the more stoic, dead part of the journey: the loss of hope that his dream will ever come true. He has sort of become his own worst enemy and has become a self-defeating, hopeless person.

We get a feel for how Satoru uses his “powers” within the first ten minutes or so of the show. He’s out on a delivery and the scene sort of interrupts with this flash and brief change of color, suddenly we’re presented with the same information that we just saw only there’s a more urgent feel to the situation. Satoru is looking around for anything out of place, and we’re placed in that same frantic situation as our protagonist. The pacing of the scene was fast and progressive, like everyday life; you really had to pay attention to find what was out of sorts. Satoru finds what was out of place and he, while complaining the entire time, fixes the problem and tragedy is averted. He doesn’t necessarily “embrace” his powers, he’s more like “I guess I’ll do this because I’m here.” The show really does focus on Satoru’s lack of ambition for his own life, again being more reactive than proactive.

Luckily, we’re not just faced with Satoru’s less than enthusiastic view all the time; we get a refreshing counter to his character in Airi Katagiri. Katagiri is not only spunky and adorable (waifu material guys), she’s also presented as very driven and smart for her age. She’s a high school student that works in the pizza parlor with Satoru, Satoru just doesn’t understand her (surprise) but after she witnesses what he does to avert the tragic situation as previously mentioned; she seems to be much more interested in him. She flat out tells him that he doesn’t really open up to people and she, unlike him, has hope in her dreams—which she didn’t tell him what they were because she said “It’s not like we’re close or anything.” The show presents us with tantalizing cliffhangers as we don’t really know what her dream is, we have to earn it like Satoru.

Another cliffhanger that is presented is the case of the “abductions” that we hear about throughout the show. When Satoru was in fifth grade, two of his classmates were abducted and brutally murdered. His mother, Sachiko, did her best to try and make Satoru forget what happened. Surprisingly, I didn’t fault her for this. Fifth graders aren’t really supposed to deal with adult situations so she did what she thought was best for her son. Sachiko is a wonderful character, you wouldn’t think that she was Satoru’s mother as she is presented relatively younger (not that 52 is old mind you) and not showing signs of aging. But that’s not what makes her wonderful, it is suggested that she knows about her son’s supposed “powers” even if she doesn’t understand it she still accepts him and listens to him.

This is presented very well in a scene where Satoru has another “revival” as they are leaving the supermarket. She doesn’t shun him or say “oh you’re just imagining things,” she actually stops and looks around with him. In a surprising turn of events, she’s the one that prevents the event from conspiring so I’m left to wonder if maybe she has some sort of higher than average observation skill or a similar power to Satoru’s.

What’s always on the back of the viewer’s mind is the fact that Sachiko knows more than what she is letting on about the abductions. She drops hints throughout the episode but nothing proves it more than the scenes following the supermarket. She’s torn about telling Satoru the truth about the abductions, it shows in her face and in her demeanor. She feels guilty about not believing a young Satoru about something that deals with the abductions, what that is I won’t say as it will spoil the story. She attempts to reconcile this, to tell Satoru the truth about everything. She attempts anyway
.

It’s not until Satoru is faced with an impossible situation that we really see if he’s going to start to become a proactive force in his life. The episode ends on a tantalizing cliffhanger that left me wanting more. Will Satoru finally stop being reactive and play a part in his own life? It’ll be interesting to see how this character develops.

Overall the show starts off strong and ends strong, one could find a trope or two but it’s not an episode breaking thing. I’m very curious to see how the character of Satoru develops and learn more about Katagiri. The universe is very appealing, and the pacing definitely fits the show—not slow and explanatory, but fast and unforgiving like life is. All in all, I give this a four out of five stars, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Online Harassment

The Internet is probably the most influential and fundamental invention of my lifetime. I’ve seen the birth of America Online, Macbooks, iPhones, and Androids; I’ve seen obscure websites like Facebook and Twitter grow into the juggernauts they are today. It’s pretty amazing to be a part of something like that.

However.

I’ve also seen the darkest parts of the Internet and what it can do to people. How it can ruin and sometimes end lives, and how one click of a button can change everything. I was watching a popular show on HBO called Last Week Tonight with John Oliver and he was covering a story about Internet harassment. It’s mind blowing the amount of harassment that goes on, and if you don’t think that it does or that it’s not a big deal well congratulations on being an average white guy. If you are a woman and you make the “mistake” of trusting someone, or if you dare to have a thought in your head and post it on the Internet then you are probably going to face some sort of harassment or even worse. Take Anita Sarkeesian for instance. Those of you who are not familiar with her probably aren’t into video games; she’s very popular amongst that group of people, sometimes for the wrong reasons. Sarkeesian is a voice for women in video games and a critic as well; she frequently posts her reviews online and vocalizes the obvious sexism in the video game industry. She has not only received lewd remarks for doing so, but some of these are much more serious and threatening. She has received death threats not just geared towards her, but her entire family. She has also received rape threats that often are graphic and way too disturbing for me to even quote. Despite the threats she still keeps going, refusing to let these threats of violence deter her from her end goal.

Amanda Hess, a writer who posted a critique on the harassment of women online, received threats that were along the lines of “I’m going to rape you and cut off your head.” She went to the police, (it is against the law in California where she lives to make threats of bodily harm) and the police officer that came to her door didn’t even know what Twitter was. The officer didn’t really think that a crime had been committed even though clearly it had. When the police don’t understand something they cannot investigate it,if they can’t investigate it and come to a conclusion, then the person who committed the crime gets away with it. How would you feel if you were that person? Knowing that this sick individual got away with doing harm to you or your loved one?

Online harassment doesn’t just stop at threats of violence; there is another way women are harassed and humiliated: it’s called revenge porn. Revenge porn is where private and/or nude photos are posted online for the world to see without their consent. Now I can hear the response already: “Well if you don’t want that to happen don’t take those sorts of pictures!” First of all, not all of the pictures are taken; some are stolen from hacking webcams. Secondly that statement is what I like to call “victim blaming.” What you do in your own personal time with your partner is YOUR business, the news and other sources have hard-wired this sentiment in our brain. What victims are often told are “Sorry about your luck, but you trusted the person so it’s kind of your fault” or if it’s about general harassment some victims are often told “Just turn off your computer, it’ll go away eventually.” Okay first “turn off your computer” is not practical because we use the internet almost every minute from our PC’s to our phones, I mean somewhere in the world right now there is a sheep herder in some remote location using wifi; secondly blaming a person for something because they trusted another person is stupid, what if that person stole from you or worse? How would that make you feel? “Oh sorry about your loss but it is kind of your fault for trusting that person.” Insert any other crime into this situation, “I mean if you don’t want to get robbed, don’t live in a house!” “If you don’t want your identity stolen don’t shop online!” See what I mean? It’s all about the way we think about these things, and how they are presented to us. It’s always the victims fault until suddenly you are the victim. What you do with your significant other is your business, and if they betray that trust then our response shouldn’t be “well you shouldn’t have trusted them.”

If a woman goes to the police stating that someone threatened her life on Twitter, or if she goes to a lawyer because her vindictive lover posted nude photos of her online the response should not be “What in the world is Twitter?” or “Well you should date better people.” This is 2015, and the fact that women are still being harassed just because of the simple fact that they are women with thoughts is ludicrous.

The purpose of this article is not to rant or rage, the purpose is to get people to think of things differently. We need to raise our daughters to be strong and independent, and our sons to be respectful and upstanding. If you go to John Oliver’s YouTube page and watch the video on Online Harassment, you’ll see it has a 40% “downvote.” Why? Because people don’t want to talk about it or acknowledge that it’s happening and that’s the major part of the problem. We can be part of the solution by bringing it out in the open, talking about it, and teaching our children that these things are wrong.

Mental Health: Why I'm an Advocate

It’s no secret that I am an advocate for Mental Health Awareness; I’ve sort of made it my goal to promote awareness and education on the subject. Mental Health has had a pretty bad reputation since, well people first learned to speak. It’s been associated and portrayed in our society as a negative thing; television shows and movies depicting horrific asylums, crazy killer patients, and perverted psychologists (sometimes referred to crudely as “shrinks”). It also doesn’t help that a stigma has been in place for centuries. While researching the subject, I discovered that the first recorded Lunatic Asylum in Europe was the Bethlem Royal Hospital in London, and it has been a part of London since 1247 when it was built as a priory. It became a hospital in 1330 and admitted its first mentally ill patients in 1407. Before the Madhouse Act of 1774, treatment of the Insane was carried out by non-licensed practitioners, who ran their Madhouses as a commercial enterprise and with little regard for the inmates. The Mad House act established the licensing required to house insane patients, with yearly inspections of the premises taking place. Back in America, the U.S. Library of Medicine states that the mentally ill in early American communities were generally cared for by family members, however, in severe cases they sometimes ended up in almshouses or jails. Because mental illness was generally thought to be caused by a moral or spiritual failing, punishment and shame were often handed down to the mentally ill and sometimes their families as well. As the population grew and certain areas became more densely settled, mental illness became one of a number of social issues for which community institutions were created in order to handle the needs of such individuals collectively.

Imagine being ostracized because you had high blood pressure, or a broken arm. You were so afraid of being criticized or laughed at, or even worse told to “just get over it.” If you had high blood pressure eventually your head would start to feel like it was going to explode before you had a severe heart attack, with a broken arm the bones wouldn’t heal properly without a splint or some other form of support and you would be in pain for the rest of your life from the severely deformed bone. Mental Illness is the same thing, it’s not a physical condition but it is still a medical condition that requires just as much attention as that broken arm. Yes the asylums were horrendous. Yes the patients can become dangerous. But don’t let American Horror Story be your point of reference for learning about the Mentally Ill. When it comes down to it, we’re all carrying around some sort of hurt. Sometimes that hurt becomes a wound that won’t heal but festers and we need help to make it better. How is that a bad thing? Why are we so conditioned to try and do it on our own when it’s nearly impossible to do so? I’m here to say that it is okay to say that you hurt, that you matter very much, and you are no different than someone with any other medical condition; you just hurt in a different way. That’s the key to getting a handle on your Mental Health: remember that you matter, that there is someone out there who does care, and you story is an important addition to this world we live in. 

Anxiety: It's not just "Worrying"

Many people seem to brush anxiety off, saying it’s nothing but “overreacting” or “worrying.” People treat it not as an illness, but as something for someone to just “get over.” The National Institute of Mental Health states that “Anxiety Disorders affect about 40 million American adults age 18 years and older (about 18%) in a given year, causing them to be filled with fearfulness and uncertainty. Unlike the relatively mild, brief anxiety caused by a stressful event (such as speaking in public or a first date), anxiety disorders last at least 6 months and can get worse if they are not treated. Anxiety disorders commonly occur along with other mental or physical illnesses, including alcohol or substance abuse, which may mask anxiety symptoms or make them worse.” A person with anxiety is always second-guessing, always worrying, and always fearful. Here’s how the mind of someone without anxiety works, take for instance turning the coffee pot off or wondering if you locked the door: “I’m pretty sure I locked the door, yeah I did. I just don’t remember because it’s something that’s second nature to me.” Now someone with anxiety: “Oh God, did I lock the door? What if I didn’t? Someone’s bound to notice and break in! What if they’re waiting for me there when I get home? I’d better go double check that door.” It may seem a like the person is over-reacting, but those are, in their mind, legitimate fears that could come to fruition.

I will be discussing the most common anxiety disorder: Generalized Anxiety disorder. The National Institute of Mental Health defines Generalized Anxiety Disorder as this: “People with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) go through the day filled with exaggerated worry and tension, even though there is little or nothing to provoke it. They anticipate disaster and are overly concerned about health issues, money, family problems, or difficulties at work. Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety. GAD is diagnosed when a person worries excessively about a variety of everyday problems for at least 6 months. People with GAD can’t seem to get rid of their concerns, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants. They can’t relax, startle easily, and have difficulty concentrating. Often they have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep. Physical symptoms that often accompany the anxiety include fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, muscle aches, difficulty swallowing, trembling, twitching, irritability, sweating, nausea, lightheadedness, having to go to the bathroom frequently, feeling out of breath, and hot flashes.”

Now I know you must be thinking: “Why can’t they just tell themselves that it’s all incessant worrying and move on?” The reason is not a question of will, but a question of brain chemistry. Anxiety is natural, it works as a motivator and it acts as a warning system for danger in someone who doesn’t have a hiccup in their brain chemistry. In the 6.8 million American adults with GAD, it’s an inhibitor; the chemicals in the brain are on overdrive and high alert. It’s not something that can just be brushed aside, it needs treatment; just like someone with high blood pressure. I suffer from GAD, and it’s a constant struggle to keep my brain from going mad with worry. I do take my medication every day, but some days it isn’t enough and I need to focus on myself for a few hours. I meditate, do breathing exercises, and avoid loud or over stimulating places. This didn’t come easy; I never thought I could just focus on my breathing when I was in the grips of an anxiety attack. It took practice, and years of therapy to achieve this. I had to learn that Anxiety wasn’t who I am, but just a hiccup in my brain that couldn’t be helped, but could be treated if I wanted it to be.

Now, how can you help? When a person in the middle of an anxiety attack is suffering, the worst possible thing you can say is “Calm down.” What you should say is “What can I do?” Listen to them, even if you don’t know what to say, they need to be heard and acknowledged. Someone who has anxiety already feels silly because they know they’re worrying for nothing but can’t help it. The last thing you want to do is make them feel worse because this in turn makes their anxiety worse. A person with anxiety is just like you, they’re not some medical anomaly, after all you wouldn’t treat someone with diabetes or high blood pressure like that; so why treat someone with a mental illness like that?

I hope that this has opened your eyes to Anxiety; I hope that this has helped those with anxiety. My goal is to do just that: Promote understanding and aid. Mental Illnesses are no different from any other medical condition and should not be treated as so. 

Dear Baltimore,

I am in pain right now from what I see on my television. I see hatred and bigotry, I see violence and destruction; this is not the charm city I know and remember. So I will address both sides with honor and respect, I will not let hatred seep into my speech.

To those who have white skin: You must understand that some wounds take a long time to heal. We have been privileged just because of our skin color. Throughout history we have been the conquerors and now we must be the healers. To those who took up the vow to protect and serve I respect you, it takes some special courage to put on a bullet proof vest every day before work. You took that vow with honor and courage, you had it in you to do something that most of us would never think of doing: going up against evil and protecting the innocent. Words cannot express how thankful I am for you, however it is the wolves that lurk among you that I fear. Those who would use the power you have been granted for their own selfish purpose, to cause harm and spread hatred. You, who wear the blue and defend us must hate them more than anyone because they are a seeping blemish that curses everything you stand for. Like all blemishes, they must be lanced and eradicated.

 To those who have black skin: I will not stand here and pretend to know what it is like to be ostracized because of my color. I will not judge those who raise their voice in protest and cry out for equality. I will not stand by and allow you to be called a derogatory  name nor will I turn my back on you when you need a listening ear. However I will not be a target of your hatred. I will not accept looting and assault as forms of protest, I will not accept chosen ignorance, and I believe that you can be better than what your circumstance dictates. Do not give people a reason to stereotype you, become better. Stand tall and show respect, remember Dr. King and Gandhi--they raised their voices not their arms. Please, stop the violence. Do not become the monster that took your peer. 

I want nothing but peace. I want nothing but love. I want nothing but equality. Yes I am a white, middle class individual; but I am also a human being, therefore nothing human is alien to me. We should remember that we are all human, that nothing another human being does is beyond us. We are all human, we all require the same basic needs, why is this so hard to grasp? 

December Song

Christmas is always a wonderful time of year for me, I have my mother to thank for that. Though sometimes it can be bittersweet because this marks the thirteenth year I'll be without her, there is a warmth there that allows the emptiness to be easier to bear.

Lately I haven't been able to write, it's been torturous. Then some Christmas magic happened: I magically was hit with inspiration and produced the poem below. I hope you enjoy.

December Song

The tree twinkles in the moonlight
as I sit enveloped in the warmth
of the fireplace. 

I am the only one awake
on this December night,
this holiest of nights. 

The house has fallen silent,
I hear each snowflake as it gently glides
down from the sky.

The flames twinkle as I await midnight
with only a blanket and tea
as my companions.

 It's hard to describe, 

this emotion that plagues me;
a peaceful silence

 coupled with a woeful emptiness.

My eyes divert from the fire
to a lonely ornament
 on the humblest of branches.

It has your name etched
in glitter, it sparkles
in the dim light.

I have so much more
than most this night,
but it is not enough.

I need you,
you who fostered this love,
you who taught

 that there is magic,

and peace is attainable.
I used to sing a December song,
now the lyrics are lost to me.

In this silent night
I'm on a journey
to find them again.

I close my eyes
and try to remember...
my heart longs for it,

for this night is
not complete without it.
Softly the fire crackles,

the snowflakes shimmy,
and the steam from my
tea floats above my mug.

I can hear it,
the soft melody of
my December song

within the silence.

It was never lost,
just forgotten until now.
A smile curves across my face,

I can feel you now,
my December song.
I will not falter now,

for now I have
this melody
etched upon my heart.