Hello Little Dream, Hello.

"I regard the theatre as the greatest of all art forms, the most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of what it is to be a human being." - Oscar Wilde

I should be doing the immense amount of work that I've shamelessly procrastinated doing. But I was so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions that I just had to get this down, besides I've been in school this long...whats a few more semesters?

I think that it is quite obvious that I love New York, and I've gushed several times about shows and the things I do when I am in the one place that I can truly disappear from the world; for a few days I don't have to worry about anything because I'm too far away to do a damn thing about it. Irresponsible? Perhaps, but I find a little irresponsibility now and then saves sanity in a world that can be terribly suffocating with all of its responsibility.

But I digress...

As always this weekend in New York was magical, and I think what makes each visit more magical (and more addicting) than the other is the obvious: the amazing people that I get to share this experience with. The gang was all together again and we had a new member to add to our merry troupe. It was such an amazing thing to finally be able to share this other world with someone from my everyday life, to be able to allow them into this other life that I escape to when my provincial one becomes too suffocating; to watch them fit like a glove to my world and the people in it makes me so happy I could cry. Call me over-dramatic, and maybe I am (I did want to be an actress...and part of my soul still yearns for that life) but I don't think anyone could possibly understand unless they were that exceptional person I allowed in, or they spent a week in my shoes; and I thank those who don't try to understand.

I was able to show her what makes this city amazing to me, my tips and tricks for seeing up to 4 shows in a weekend, the little holes in the walls with their wonderful gems, and the organized chaos that comes with rolling the dice and taking chances. We couldn't see the show we picked for our evening matinee, so we kept searching until we found one. You'd think that she'd been doing this all her life, by the second hour she was a pro; I wondered why I hadn't asked her to come with me before. Naturally the gang was warm and welcoming, I was so happy that she got to see why I adore them so much and why I need them in my life. I was finally able to give someone the looking glass and have them see into my own little world, and have someone know why I sometimes run to it so often. It was truly a beautiful weekend.

Now on to the shows:
I should just go ahead and face the music now: I saw Anything Goes this weekend with Stephanie J. Block and will be seeing it again next month with Sutton Foster thanks to my amazing sister. So I am sorry for lying to you Lindsey. Please don't tear up the tickets.

Besides Anything Goes, I also saw Follies and Memphis (for a second time) and was able to share another institution with her: the theatre. I was very surprised when we arrived at the Marquis to see that they still had student rush for Follies because it did have the legendary Bernadette Peters and Elaine Paige, not to mention the superb Jan Maxwell (who had just been HIT BY A CAR while crossing the street like TWO FREAKING WEEKS AGO), and Danny Burnstien. I had heard the music before and owned the soundtrack (the kicker was Marin Mazzie singing "Loosing My Mind" at Stephen Sondheim's birthday concert, hang on to your hats kids, this dame is amazing) and really didn't care for it that much, but after seeing the show I realized that it made much more sense.

Memphis was the reason (and a damn good one) we didn't get rush tickets to Bonnie and Clyde, see there's this little modern day legend called Adam Pascal whose currently starring in it as the role of Huey. I thought he did a fantastic job, and naturally sounded amazing with Montego. It's always good to see a show at least twice with two different casts or minor cast changes to the leads because 1.) it's almost like seeing a different show and 2.) if you're the kind that likes to see different interpretations that's the way to go. I mean there was a guy that literally saw every performance of Rent on Broadway...that's going a little too far in my book but whatever floats your boat pal...

Anything Goes was just...I mean that's what all my feelings are about right now. Sutton Foster is currently out because she's filming a TV pilot, but that's not the real star of the story: the real star is the magnificent, amazing and just damn good Stephanie J. Block. If you know anything about me, or if you're one of my many dedicated readers...you know how I feel about Steph, and when the opportunity came to see her in a Cole Porter musical I would be a terrible fan to pass it up (besides, seeing it with Sutton in December will be like a whole new show). Stephanie is a very natural and instinctive actress, she just knows what to do without being over-dramatic or looking like she's trying; she's that way with her singing too (mad, MAD props to her vocal coach) she just has this voice that flows and you're swept away on a sea of melody, vibrato, harmonies and belts. Her dancing...I mean...wow. I was simply speechless during that AMAZING, FANTASTIC, MIND-BLOWING tap number at the end of Act I. To make this even more spectacular is the fact that Steph only had TWO FREAKING WEEKS to learn that entire show. Its no wonder she's going straight home after most shows, I can't imagine how tired she must be. She performed Reno Sweeney the way Barbara Stanwyck would, I swear she even had the Stanwyck saunter down pat. Last time I saw her was at Vera Stark and we established that classic film is amazing, so that's why I went off on a Stany tangent, no apologies.

I would go on more about the show but I think I've procrastinated enough and I should probably get on the ball here. Thank you dear reader for putting up with this word vomit, and for just reading.

If I could sum up this weekend in just one phrase, I would use the phrase that Lord Evelyn Oakleigh used when talking to Moonface Martin: "You give me hot pants."

But in all seriousness, I think another one of my little dreams came true this weekend, and I am eternally grateful for it.

#21: The art of self-mutilation

I'm not talking about cutting yourself, or doing that crazy thing where you strangle yourself and see how long you can go without air before you pass out...which sounds like so much fun...

The kind of self-mutilation I'm talking about is the kind we put ourselves through when we're in a relationship. It can be any sort of relationship: spouse, friend, family, lover, etc. When it comes to your family, unfortunately we really have no choice but tolerate them; as I always say, you have to love them...not like them. This sort of process usually involves people who aren't related, case in point: spouses, lovers and friends. I'm going to tackle that age old question: Why do people stay with/tolerate/marry/hang out with people who really don't appreciate what they do or how much they care?

Now, I'm not lucky (or unlucky) enough to have fallen in love yet. I'm okay with that, I figure for God's sake I'm only 22 and damnit I'm going to ENJOY my twenties. Your thirties are for marriage, kids, and all of that other crap. I've found however, that this doesn't apply to people who are in a romantic/intimate relationship. I've always prided myself in not giving a damn about what other people say, and having the ability to really read people even after spending only a few minutes with them. These two instincts can be suppressed when I allow myself to trust and be comfortable with someone who I consider a friend. I have a lot of friends, but I can count my really good friends on my one hand; let me tell you what, it's an honor to get on that hand.

I don't allow myself to trust people until they earn it, and I'll trust you until you give me a reason not to; once that happens don't expect to earn it back for a long time, if ever. Lately I've been in these two friendships where I know that there is little chance where anything will be salvaged from it, but yet I still find myself checking their facebook pages or something stupid like that to see what they're doing; that turns out to be a mistake because I usually end up getting pissed off, I remember the reason why we're not talking or hanging out as much and I remember that I had just started to consider both of them really good friends. They had just made it on that hand. The reason is irrelevant, and who knows? Maybe I did do something that caused them to believe that I wasn't the person they thought I was; though I have to say in my defense, I'm not that hard to figure out. I have a reputation as being very straightforward and honest, no bullshit here. I am sure of one thing: They definitely aren't the people I thought they were.

And yet I still went on considering them my friends, breaking my back to try to call them, talking to them, pretending like nothing was bothering me and everything was just hunky dory. It clearly wasn't, but I told myself it was. Why? Why do we do that? Is it because we are remembering all that they did for us when times were great? Or because we somehow think that this is a storm that will eventually subside? Are we somehow worried that we'll be labeled a 'quitter' by society?

I think it's all of those things combined. We don't want to give up, we still care about the person and remember all of the good times, and we think eventually this storm will pass, its just a rough spot. It's hard to look at it for what it really is: a relationship that just doesn't work anymore. The problem with just letting it slide is that it starts to eat at you, festering like an untreated wound. The wound eventually becomes an infection that spreads like wildfire and you soon find yourself being consumed by it, hating them. Hate is like a poison, and there isn't an antidote for it; you have to be the one to fight it off, which is hard to do with an infection caused by a festering wound. Soon you're no better than the people who screwed you over.

I felt myself beginning to feel this way, and it scared me. I knew then that I had to begin to disconnect myself from them. It sucks because these are people that I trusted, and they just kind of blew me off. I'm not going to dwell on it, I've still got plenty of friends, and I know that those few really good friends I have are in it for the long haul.

So the way I see it, the faster you see that a relationship isn't going to amount to anything, the faster you'll heal. And who knows? You may find something that is a whole lot better, and will last a long time; maybe even forever.

At least, that's how I see it ;]