#21: The art of self-mutilation

I'm not talking about cutting yourself, or doing that crazy thing where you strangle yourself and see how long you can go without air before you pass out...which sounds like so much fun...

The kind of self-mutilation I'm talking about is the kind we put ourselves through when we're in a relationship. It can be any sort of relationship: spouse, friend, family, lover, etc. When it comes to your family, unfortunately we really have no choice but tolerate them; as I always say, you have to love them...not like them. This sort of process usually involves people who aren't related, case in point: spouses, lovers and friends. I'm going to tackle that age old question: Why do people stay with/tolerate/marry/hang out with people who really don't appreciate what they do or how much they care?

Now, I'm not lucky (or unlucky) enough to have fallen in love yet. I'm okay with that, I figure for God's sake I'm only 22 and damnit I'm going to ENJOY my twenties. Your thirties are for marriage, kids, and all of that other crap. I've found however, that this doesn't apply to people who are in a romantic/intimate relationship. I've always prided myself in not giving a damn about what other people say, and having the ability to really read people even after spending only a few minutes with them. These two instincts can be suppressed when I allow myself to trust and be comfortable with someone who I consider a friend. I have a lot of friends, but I can count my really good friends on my one hand; let me tell you what, it's an honor to get on that hand.

I don't allow myself to trust people until they earn it, and I'll trust you until you give me a reason not to; once that happens don't expect to earn it back for a long time, if ever. Lately I've been in these two friendships where I know that there is little chance where anything will be salvaged from it, but yet I still find myself checking their facebook pages or something stupid like that to see what they're doing; that turns out to be a mistake because I usually end up getting pissed off, I remember the reason why we're not talking or hanging out as much and I remember that I had just started to consider both of them really good friends. They had just made it on that hand. The reason is irrelevant, and who knows? Maybe I did do something that caused them to believe that I wasn't the person they thought I was; though I have to say in my defense, I'm not that hard to figure out. I have a reputation as being very straightforward and honest, no bullshit here. I am sure of one thing: They definitely aren't the people I thought they were.

And yet I still went on considering them my friends, breaking my back to try to call them, talking to them, pretending like nothing was bothering me and everything was just hunky dory. It clearly wasn't, but I told myself it was. Why? Why do we do that? Is it because we are remembering all that they did for us when times were great? Or because we somehow think that this is a storm that will eventually subside? Are we somehow worried that we'll be labeled a 'quitter' by society?

I think it's all of those things combined. We don't want to give up, we still care about the person and remember all of the good times, and we think eventually this storm will pass, its just a rough spot. It's hard to look at it for what it really is: a relationship that just doesn't work anymore. The problem with just letting it slide is that it starts to eat at you, festering like an untreated wound. The wound eventually becomes an infection that spreads like wildfire and you soon find yourself being consumed by it, hating them. Hate is like a poison, and there isn't an antidote for it; you have to be the one to fight it off, which is hard to do with an infection caused by a festering wound. Soon you're no better than the people who screwed you over.

I felt myself beginning to feel this way, and it scared me. I knew then that I had to begin to disconnect myself from them. It sucks because these are people that I trusted, and they just kind of blew me off. I'm not going to dwell on it, I've still got plenty of friends, and I know that those few really good friends I have are in it for the long haul.

So the way I see it, the faster you see that a relationship isn't going to amount to anything, the faster you'll heal. And who knows? You may find something that is a whole lot better, and will last a long time; maybe even forever.

At least, that's how I see it ;]