Perhaps its because it's raining, or because I'm morbid, or maybe its just because I've just been thinking a lot lately but I thought I would write a blog about one of the most depressing topics ever:
Death.
To some it's a terrifying thought, to others it somehow doesn't exist; like most things in life, it's a different thing to different people. I for one can honestly say that, while it does frighten me a little, I don't have a problem with it. Then again, when one looks at the past nine years of my life:
2001 - Mother died of ovarian cancer
2003 - Father diagnosed with prostate cancer
2007 - Grandfather died of a staff infection after being healthy as a horse for 70 years
2008 - Classmate killed in a car accident
2010 - Grandmother dies suddenly in her home
I kind of have a good reason to feel that way, I mean from 13 on it seems as though death (and near-death) and I are BFF's. However, it's one BFF I definitely don't want to take to the movies. I've come to discover that death, for all of the heartache it brings, gives a whole new meaning to life. I've found that trivial things annoy me, gossip is a bore, and I laugh at people who think they know everything.
It never ceases to amaze me how people think that they are entitled to something or that they deserve the biggest reward possible. Now don't get me wrong, dreams and goals are fantastic but don't think that you're entitled to a frickin' medal when you achieve them. I hate to break it to you, but we aren't entitled to a damn thing. There are three things that are the same with every single person on this planet: 1.) Our genealogy can be traced back to ONE woman 2.) We are all born the same way and 3.) We all die. We came into this world a screaming wad of flesh, and we're going to leave this world an (hopefully) old sack of skin. We came here with nothing, we were just a naked and wet baby. What happens in between is what matters, but the one thing that pisses me off is this sense of entitlement people get. Who do you think you are? Last I checked the air you took into your lungs wasn't any different from the air I breathe, and while you may do something better than I can you should remember that I can do something better than you can. You are no different from me in that aspect.
Throughout history people have tried to erase the aspect of death, deeming it too scary or inappropriate. Ironically, when we do this we loose so much of what is important in life. We don't appreciate things the way we should, we don't love as much as we could and we certainly don't have as much faith. In ancient civilizations people looked at death as a passage to a new life or as a blessing to the tribe, they viewed it as one more ancestor to watch over them. Today we see nothing but the negative, as I said it does bring pain like you can't imagine but some people never quite move on from that.
Dylan Thomas, one of my favorite poets, wrote a brilliant, and widely celebrated villanelle for his dying father: 'Do not go gentle into that good night'. The speaker is begging for his loved one to "Rage, rage against the dying of the light.", to not leave them behind. As someone who has lost a parent, I can understand this sentiment. I can't tell you how many times I begged God to give my mother the strength to "rage against the dying of the light", but, like Thomas, my prayers were all for naught.
Death sucks, there's no question or denial there. However it's how you deal with it that determines the rest of your life. I know some people that struggled for months and then finally overcame their sorrow, then there are people I know who just can't seem to let go. It changes people, in good ways and in bad.
As the title suggests, death is in fact the one thing that makes us all equal. It doesn't care who you are, what you do, or how much you have; sooner or later (hopefully later) it's going to come to your door. It's nothing to be scared of, it just gives us a better reason to enjoy life; to live each day as if you're not going to wake up tomorrow. We aren't guaranteed tomorrow, nor are we entitled to anything. So live it up now.
At least, that's how I see it.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
#4: A quick guide on how to be a classy bitch by THE Classy Bitch
Come on ladies.... Don't you ever just want to scream? Like maybe, just maybe the loud vibrations emitting from your vocal cords will make everything better.
-It will make the kids that you stupidly agreed to chaperon stop standing on the bus so they don't fall and crack they're heads open, spilling their brain matter.
-Or maybe it will make the asshole (not to be confused with little old ladies or men, you show the highest respect for them because that will be YOU someday) who's been driving 20 miles under the speed limit for 5 miles, speed up because you're about ready to drive into his backseat.
-Hey who knows, it may just help the government realize that you ARE in need of federal student aid and they'll grant you the money that you deserve so you can finish your education.
-Or maybe screaming at town meetings will somehow get your point across and the government won't do what it damn well pleases.
-What about the laundromat who completely ruined your Oscar de la Renta dress that you were going to wear to this kick ass party? Surely screaming at the small Korean lady will make her replace the $300 dress that she just ruined.
-Or the couple that has no discretion what so ever and is practically having sex in the food court while you're trying to enjoy your wonderfully prepared salad.
I don't have to tell you that everything mentioned is wishful thinking. But honestly sometimes being a bitch is essential to a woman's sanity and the human race's survival. I mean which would you rather have: A woman who just totally humiliated you because you did something really stupid that she could have just overlooked OR A sugary-sweet woman who overlooks you're stupidity and insensitivity who's smiling at you over her wine glass and telling you that the wine you just drank contained high volumes of arsenic and you're going to die in 30 seconds? The problem with some women today is they don't know how to be a bitch and maintain a certain level of class and dignity. Well my friends, allow me to enlighten you:
1.) Subtly and discretion are key. You must maintain a calm demeanor in the face of poor manners and lack of chivalry. For instance: You're in line at the department store and you drop your wallet, giving someone who obviously does not understand the concept of a line the opportunity to cut in front of you. Politely state that you were in line, if they do not acknowledge you or they smirk don't get angry. Simply offer your sweetest smile and say something like this: "Its okay, I understand why you need to get to the front of the line. I would rush to buy something new too if I was wearing that."
2.) Do not let them see you sweat or cry. Tears show defeat in certain situations, they also can be used to obtain several things of value or instill guilt. However in the case of your boyfriend screaming at you because you were late because of traffic DO NOT let him see you cry. Instead, show him the error of his arrogance. If he's being an asshole because you're late simply remind him of the times he was late (preferably important events: family dinners, etc.) or how you were forced to sit through a boxing match when Desperate Housewives was on.
3.) When faced with another bitch, test the water. If your rival is experienced in being a classy bitch DO NOT go head to head with her, instead befriend her and learn her secrets and where she shops (classy bitches usually have fantastic style). If things don't work out and you have a fallout, you now have all of her secrets AND (I would hope) a pair of her Jimmy Choos.
4.) You must give them at least one chance before you release your inner bitch. It's just common courtesy. If you're on a plane for 6 hours and get stuck with a rather chatty-kathy in the seat next to you, give them one warning: "It really is nice to meet you, but I'm dying to finish this book. I hope you understand." most people will get the point and shut up. If they don't ( I mean you gave them fair warning) its time to release the bitch: "You know in this novel I'm trying to read someone very similar to yourself gets thrown off a cliff because she just couldn't keep her mouth shut." or "Look, I asked you nicely the first time. I can't read with someone who has the voice of Richard Simmons on speed chatting my ear off."
5.) Some people don't get that when you buy something it's yours. In the case of roomates this is a common occurrence. You buy food for yourself, they consume it before you get a taste, the shampoo you buy is mysteriously disappearing faster than you thought after 2 days, your body spray is disappearing and then reappearing with less in it, etc. You've tried to be nice by asking her to kindly stop. She won't. Now you have no choice but to get nasty. Some replace things like shampoo and food with less desirable items, which is good. However we must not forget our wit my fellow womenfolk. If she's eating your protein bars, using your shampoo and body spray you have but one thing to say: "Obviously you have some problem of trying to change your drab and dull appearance into something more divine or else you wouldn't be using my shit."
6.) Men cannot help it, when a striking woman walks by they turn their heads and look. So do you when the Orlando Bloom look-alike walks by. However if they're constantly remarking how hot Megan Fox or Lindsay Lohan are or how perfect their boobs are, then they need to be shown the error of their ways. If this is a problem, nonchalantly say: "You know I was talking with [insert friends name here] the other day and we just couldn't come to a decision on who had the best body: Collin Feral or Hugh Jackman. If you think that was a grueling argument you should have heard the one we had on who had the bigger dick." He may say that it doesn't bother him...but we know that it so does.
7.) Finally, the Twilight obsession. I get it, you love it; you think that Edward Cullen is sex on a stick. Fine, if you want to indulge yourself in that sort of crap that they call 'literature' go right ahead. But do not try to make me see reason. I stand by my belief that Edward Cullen is NOT a vampire but merely a personification of the 'bad boy' hero and the overly used 'forbidden love' cliche. You want a vampire, read Dracula. If you are unfortunate enough to have one of these people as your friend...first my deepest sympathies, second if they know that you don't like it but they're trying to make you like it, then they aren't your friend. So feel free to use this:
Cullenite: "OMG EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN TWILIGHT BELLA EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN"
You: "Could we please talk about something else? You know that sort of thing doesn't interest me."
Cullenite: "I know but how could you not like EDWARD CULLEN?!?!?!?! HE'S SO HOT! EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN"
You: *sweet smile* "Sweetie did you know that people who tend to obsess over fictional characters tend to die alone in one room apartments with 30 cats?"
So those are just some helpful hints. Its tough out there ladies and though we try to be sweet, caring, compassionate, and upstanding women sometimes...well we need to release our inner bitch (while maintaining our classyness) in order to show that we're no-nonsense. Ultimately, people (especially men. Not boys, real men) will respect you more for standing up for yourself.
Cheers!
-It will make the kids that you stupidly agreed to chaperon stop standing on the bus so they don't fall and crack they're heads open, spilling their brain matter.
-Or maybe it will make the asshole (not to be confused with little old ladies or men, you show the highest respect for them because that will be YOU someday) who's been driving 20 miles under the speed limit for 5 miles, speed up because you're about ready to drive into his backseat.
-Hey who knows, it may just help the government realize that you ARE in need of federal student aid and they'll grant you the money that you deserve so you can finish your education.
-Or maybe screaming at town meetings will somehow get your point across and the government won't do what it damn well pleases.
-What about the laundromat who completely ruined your Oscar de la Renta dress that you were going to wear to this kick ass party? Surely screaming at the small Korean lady will make her replace the $300 dress that she just ruined.
-Or the couple that has no discretion what so ever and is practically having sex in the food court while you're trying to enjoy your wonderfully prepared salad.
I don't have to tell you that everything mentioned is wishful thinking. But honestly sometimes being a bitch is essential to a woman's sanity and the human race's survival. I mean which would you rather have: A woman who just totally humiliated you because you did something really stupid that she could have just overlooked OR A sugary-sweet woman who overlooks you're stupidity and insensitivity who's smiling at you over her wine glass and telling you that the wine you just drank contained high volumes of arsenic and you're going to die in 30 seconds? The problem with some women today is they don't know how to be a bitch and maintain a certain level of class and dignity. Well my friends, allow me to enlighten you:
1.) Subtly and discretion are key. You must maintain a calm demeanor in the face of poor manners and lack of chivalry. For instance: You're in line at the department store and you drop your wallet, giving someone who obviously does not understand the concept of a line the opportunity to cut in front of you. Politely state that you were in line, if they do not acknowledge you or they smirk don't get angry. Simply offer your sweetest smile and say something like this: "Its okay, I understand why you need to get to the front of the line. I would rush to buy something new too if I was wearing that."
2.) Do not let them see you sweat or cry. Tears show defeat in certain situations, they also can be used to obtain several things of value or instill guilt. However in the case of your boyfriend screaming at you because you were late because of traffic DO NOT let him see you cry. Instead, show him the error of his arrogance. If he's being an asshole because you're late simply remind him of the times he was late (preferably important events: family dinners, etc.) or how you were forced to sit through a boxing match when Desperate Housewives was on.
3.) When faced with another bitch, test the water. If your rival is experienced in being a classy bitch DO NOT go head to head with her, instead befriend her and learn her secrets and where she shops (classy bitches usually have fantastic style). If things don't work out and you have a fallout, you now have all of her secrets AND (I would hope) a pair of her Jimmy Choos.
4.) You must give them at least one chance before you release your inner bitch. It's just common courtesy. If you're on a plane for 6 hours and get stuck with a rather chatty-kathy in the seat next to you, give them one warning: "It really is nice to meet you, but I'm dying to finish this book. I hope you understand." most people will get the point and shut up. If they don't ( I mean you gave them fair warning) its time to release the bitch: "You know in this novel I'm trying to read someone very similar to yourself gets thrown off a cliff because she just couldn't keep her mouth shut." or "Look, I asked you nicely the first time. I can't read with someone who has the voice of Richard Simmons on speed chatting my ear off."
5.) Some people don't get that when you buy something it's yours. In the case of roomates this is a common occurrence. You buy food for yourself, they consume it before you get a taste, the shampoo you buy is mysteriously disappearing faster than you thought after 2 days, your body spray is disappearing and then reappearing with less in it, etc. You've tried to be nice by asking her to kindly stop. She won't. Now you have no choice but to get nasty. Some replace things like shampoo and food with less desirable items, which is good. However we must not forget our wit my fellow womenfolk. If she's eating your protein bars, using your shampoo and body spray you have but one thing to say: "Obviously you have some problem of trying to change your drab and dull appearance into something more divine or else you wouldn't be using my shit."
6.) Men cannot help it, when a striking woman walks by they turn their heads and look. So do you when the Orlando Bloom look-alike walks by. However if they're constantly remarking how hot Megan Fox or Lindsay Lohan are or how perfect their boobs are, then they need to be shown the error of their ways. If this is a problem, nonchalantly say: "You know I was talking with [insert friends name here] the other day and we just couldn't come to a decision on who had the best body: Collin Feral or Hugh Jackman. If you think that was a grueling argument you should have heard the one we had on who had the bigger dick." He may say that it doesn't bother him...but we know that it so does.
7.) Finally, the Twilight obsession. I get it, you love it; you think that Edward Cullen is sex on a stick. Fine, if you want to indulge yourself in that sort of crap that they call 'literature' go right ahead. But do not try to make me see reason. I stand by my belief that Edward Cullen is NOT a vampire but merely a personification of the 'bad boy' hero and the overly used 'forbidden love' cliche. You want a vampire, read Dracula. If you are unfortunate enough to have one of these people as your friend...first my deepest sympathies, second if they know that you don't like it but they're trying to make you like it, then they aren't your friend. So feel free to use this:
Cullenite: "OMG EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN TWILIGHT BELLA EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN"
You: "Could we please talk about something else? You know that sort of thing doesn't interest me."
Cullenite: "I know but how could you not like EDWARD CULLEN?!?!?!?! HE'S SO HOT! EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN EDWARD CULLEN"
You: *sweet smile* "Sweetie did you know that people who tend to obsess over fictional characters tend to die alone in one room apartments with 30 cats?"
So those are just some helpful hints. Its tough out there ladies and though we try to be sweet, caring, compassionate, and upstanding women sometimes...well we need to release our inner bitch (while maintaining our classyness) in order to show that we're no-nonsense. Ultimately, people (especially men. Not boys, real men) will respect you more for standing up for yourself.
Cheers!
#1: Everyone's gettting married. I'm getting vodka.
Okay, so not really. I just titled it that so you would read this, and because it's funny. In all seriousness, doesn't it seem like everyone and their mother is getting hitched? It puts so much on the minds of us single girls. 'What am I doing wrong?' 'Am I wearing a sign that says unavailable or I have herpes?' 'What if I NEVER get married and I'm forced to spend my days alone with 50 cats and 25 year old newspapers???
Well fret not my friends. It's proven that women don't reach their sexual peak until they're about 30, which in some cases is a load of bollocks (meaning that some girls have been slammed more than a screen door in a nor'easter) but for the most part it's true. So that means that you're (if you marry the right person that is...or at least one that's good in bed) probably going to have some pretty killer sex after 29. But then again, it IS just a statistic.
If you want MY opinion, which I'm sure you do because you're reading this....or you just want another reason to laugh which is okay too...I say hakuna mattata. Your 20's are for enjoyment and figuring out just who the hell you are. If they were meant to plan weddings you would be handed J.Lo and a notebook at midnight on your 20th birthday so you could jump right into planning.
Sure, a guy every now and then to warm the cold side of your bed and take you out is fantastic; you may even considering keeping him around for a while which is okay too. If you want to chase him away, mention marriage; he'll be gone faster than a cheesecake at a weight watchers convention. Guys already know that 20's are for dicking around and enjoying life; even if that dicking around and enjoying life sometimes leads to very poor choices and mug shots. Damnit they had fun didn't they? Not that every guy is like that, but lets face it there is only one Fabio.
Whenever I see wedding announcements in the paper or on facebook I don't fret. I just say to myself 'Hey whatever makes you happy, if that's what you want to do go for it.' and then I pour myself another drink. I just think that you have your whole life to get married, right now I'm going to worry about sipping from that sweet elixir that is my 20's because they only happen once. And hell, for that matter why limit it to your 20's? Lets just say life itself, no matter what age you are is for living it up on YOUR terms.
At least, that's what I think
Cheers!
Well fret not my friends. It's proven that women don't reach their sexual peak until they're about 30, which in some cases is a load of bollocks (meaning that some girls have been slammed more than a screen door in a nor'easter) but for the most part it's true. So that means that you're (if you marry the right person that is...or at least one that's good in bed) probably going to have some pretty killer sex after 29. But then again, it IS just a statistic.
If you want MY opinion, which I'm sure you do because you're reading this....or you just want another reason to laugh which is okay too...I say hakuna mattata. Your 20's are for enjoyment and figuring out just who the hell you are. If they were meant to plan weddings you would be handed J.Lo and a notebook at midnight on your 20th birthday so you could jump right into planning.
Sure, a guy every now and then to warm the cold side of your bed and take you out is fantastic; you may even considering keeping him around for a while which is okay too. If you want to chase him away, mention marriage; he'll be gone faster than a cheesecake at a weight watchers convention. Guys already know that 20's are for dicking around and enjoying life; even if that dicking around and enjoying life sometimes leads to very poor choices and mug shots. Damnit they had fun didn't they? Not that every guy is like that, but lets face it there is only one Fabio.
Whenever I see wedding announcements in the paper or on facebook I don't fret. I just say to myself 'Hey whatever makes you happy, if that's what you want to do go for it.' and then I pour myself another drink. I just think that you have your whole life to get married, right now I'm going to worry about sipping from that sweet elixir that is my 20's because they only happen once. And hell, for that matter why limit it to your 20's? Lets just say life itself, no matter what age you are is for living it up on YOUR terms.
At least, that's what I think
Cheers!
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