I'm a coward. There I said it. I'm a scared little girl who doesn't want to grow up and face the future.
At first I was ashamed of this, I denied it and tried to tell myself that wasn't the case. It's funny how you think you're fooling everyone when really you're not--you're just fooling yourself.
What is the root of this fear? Why is it so powerful? Is there any way that I can face it? These are questions that I've been asking myself lately. It all started a few days ago when I was in a session with my therapist and I was talking about why I had been feeling so anxious and hadn't been sleeping well. I thought it was because of the fact that my father and I are moving--after all that is pretty stressful--and the fact that it's still pretty up in the air was stressing me out. Now my therapist is a good one because he has an excellent bullshit detector, however he has to bring it to your attention in a more professional matter. He asked me about school, which is usually a topic I avoid because I don't think it deserves any attention and it has nothing to do with how I'm feeling.
Bullshit.
It has A LOT to do with how I'm feeling--it's the primary source of stress and anxiety in my life. But why? is it because that's just how it is for college students? Sort of, with me there's always more to it than just the norm. It's the source of stress and anxiety because it's all I've known and it's beginning to draw to an end. I am literally a semester away from graduating and I should be happy but I'm not. I'm fucking terrified--I hate it it when people ask me when I'm going to graduate or how school is going. I hate it so much that I nearly snap at anyone who does ask. I don't want to move on. I'm stuck in a routine, one that I'm comfortable in but it's one that is poisoning my soul and keeping me in this quicksand like state.
I realized this when I was talking about the new Disney movie Frozen with him. I didn't realize how deeply I related to it until I was talking about it out loud. You see I don't just relate to Elsa, I am Elsa.
Elsa is a girl who, when she was younger, embraced herself and everything that came with it; she loved life and what it had to offer and wasn't scared or anxious about what came around the next bend. However (as life often does) life threw a curve ball--something happened in her childhood that made her question everything, made her doubt, made her afraid. So she concealed who she was, holding it all in because she was afraid of what might happen if she let it go. One day she did and she ran away from it all, and for one fleeting moment she was free--everything felt...normal, she could be herself but she was alone, isolated, and she thought that is what she was destined for: to be alone where she couldn't hurt anyone. She was afraid to let the love in because it might hurt. She was afraid of her power, afraid of the future.
Wow this is beginning to sound pretty familiar.
Anyway because it is a Disney movie everything turned out okay. But see, we don't live in a Disney movie and it fucking sucks because then we would know for certain that everything is going to be okay.
I am afraid to move on. I am afraid to let it go. Why? I don't know yet. Maybe I think that the future is going to suck as much as parts of my past have, maybe I'm just afraid of uncertainty, or maybe I'm just afraid that I don't have what it takes. Hell, maybe its all of that. I can't really answer that question because I've just made this realization like four days ago. Epiphany's take time I've discovered...
I don't know what the future holds, I don't know if all of this college shit is going to be worth it, I don't know if I can live up to the expectations that have been set for me, I don't know any of this and it's terrifying for me. I'm a sensitive and deep feeling person that is her own worse enemy and harshest critic of herself--it sucks.
There is one thing that I am trying to remember: On the other side of every fear is freedom. A freedom that I can't even begin to comprehend and a love that is beyond words. I should probably get it tattooed on my forehead because I'm having a hard time remembering it. But I am trying, and doing the best that I can.
Why am I putting this out here for the world to see? It's therapeutic for one, it makes me feel less alone for another, and lets face it I do love attention. Well, that last part was just to be funny but in all seriousness I guess I just want people to know that if they are afraid that it's okay--that they aren't alone. Because isolation sucks, it's not helpful and it keeps you in a depressed state. I know that now. Now if I can just learn to let love in, and learn that on the other side of this mountain is a freedom that will be intoxicating I'll be okay.
And you know what? I truly believe that I am going to be okay.
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