By now most of you know that I have been diagnosed with depression. I am still sort of dealing with the diagnosis myself, I find that I still am somewhat ashamed of my condition; I still look down or stutter a bit when I talk about it, fortunately because I am hiding behind my laptop screen this time I am calm and ready to talk to you about depression.
First of all, I am not sad. I hate it when people make the assumption that just because I have depression I'm sad all the time like Eeyore. I am not a donkey with a pink bow on my ass. I'm depressed not sad, there's a difference believe it or not. Depression is (this is my definition) the inability to do the things that you used to love, you can't seem to wake up, you feel like nothing you do is right, and there's this immense cloud and/or void that feels like it's going to swallow you whole. Yes, sadness does play a part in it but it's a different kind of sadness--the worse kind: the kind that doesn't go away no matter how many funny movies you watch, or how long you hang out with your friends. Your brain is your worse enemy because it can't produce enough happy juice to get you through the day and it constantly reminds you of how much you suck, how awful life is and how nobody cares about you and your pathetic life.
My brain was telling me two different things, see I have this logic thing that was telling me the exact opposite of what my emotions were. It was like Jekyll and Hyde: the light side was telling me that I was loved, I had no reason to want to die, and I needed to talk to someone; the dark side was telling me that I wanted to die, that I had always wanted to die since mom died and I was molested, and I wouldn't be missed.
Scary shit right? See the thing about depression is that there is so much that people don't know, they seem to think that people can help it and when they finally do pull that trigger, pop that last pill, or tighten that noose; they think that they have a choice and they don't. They can't stop it, they are ashamed of themselves. They're terrified that they're going to be seen as weak, over-dramatic, or silly. Its this stigma that people have about depression that makes people more depressed!
Depression is a disease, an illness. It's just as serious as high blood pressure or diabetes. It needs daily medication just like the said conditions. I take two different medications for my condition: Abilify and Lexapro, I also take Ativan for my anxiety when I have one of my paralyzing attacks. These are all medications that I need like a diabetic needs insulin. If I don't take it I am a horrible person to be around, Debbie Downer ain't got nothin' on me. In all seriousness when I don't take my medication I sink back into a deep, dark place; I become moody, lethargic, I can't concentrate, I don't enjoy things that I used to, and probably the most serious condition I have is a condition called "intrusive thoughts." It's a condition in which I cannot control my thoughts, and those thoughts often lead to suicidal ones. I don't want to kill myself but those thoughts become so loud....so very, very loud. It's almost like having fifty people shouting different things at you, it's maddening. It's not voices, there's only me in here, but a darker version of me--the me that I can't control without medication. This leads to my anxiety, and it eventually lead to my three day hospitalization. Honestly, it was the best thing I did up until that point.
I'm happy to report that, while I am still adjusting to them, I am on medication that works for me. I hope that in reading this you can get a new idea on depression. That you see it's a disease, not a fleeting illness that can be treated for a week and then expect the patient to be all better. It requires patience and as much understanding as you can muster.
WebMD has great resources for people with depression and those who just want to educate themselves, which is something I would encourage all of my readers to do: Educate themselves. Plus they're a lot more articulate than I am on the matter. I hope that my experience shines some light on the matter and changes what you guys think about depression.
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