Sunday, December 11, 2011

Treasuring the quiet nights

I'll admit it: there are times when people just drive me absolutely crazy. People related to me, people I'm friends with, that asshole who cut you off on your way to work, and just people in general. I really wish that our local and federal government gave good, law abiding citizens a free pass to just go absolutely batshit crazy every once in a while; like full on that chick with a frying pan in the drug commercial.

But I digress.

I think that sometimes our society inflicts upon us the idea that we can't just admit what I just said. That we have to be a beacon of patience and love, to always enjoy the time with our loved ones and treasure them because they may not be here tomorrow. While that's all true, and yeah we should probably do all of those things....there is one tiny little problem with that:

We're human beings. Fallible, speaking, feeling and foolish creatures who sometimes don't use our brains for their intended purpose.

I used to think that my wanting to be alone was simply because of the fact that I was a moody teenager with a bad attitude and suitcase full of demons from my closet of skeletons. While part of that contributed to the fact that I wanted to be alone sometimes, it wasn't the real reason; the real reason is because I too am a human being. People are not dogs nor are we lions, we are not dependent upon our fellow comrades all the time for survival. We are not genetically programmed as pack animals; we are free-thinking creatures that can make our own decisions. Therefore I argue that it is essential to our sanity to be alone for a while, to meditate and reflect or to curl up with a good book; whatever your desire may be, you are free to fulfill it when you are alone without anyone to bother you or tell you what to do.

I discovered how much I loved to be alone when I started my first semester at Salisbury University. Up until that point, I had never really been challenged academically...lets face it: Wor-Wic Community College was cake. The only reason I spent so much time there was because I didn't apply myself, and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. So I worked really hard my last two years there and when I finally decided and finally got out of Wor-Wic, I was so happy I could've skipped around campus throwing daisies.

I soon discovered that this was not going to be a walk in the park, I would actually have to work a lot harder than I did. I would like to think that I'm a good student, I tend to procrastinate yes but I really do want to succeed in my education....especially since I'm paying handsomely for it. I survived my first semester, but this past fall has been particularly difficult. I have no one to blame but myself for this, I did sign up for four 400 level English courses; I had to drop one of them after two weeks. I found myself constantly worrying about my schooling, in addition to my job and other obligations. I felt like I was being pulled in fifty different directions and I wanted so much to get all B's in my classes; I never hope for A's because I always seem to set myself up for failure if I do. There came a point when everyone wanted a piece of me and I was left with absolutely nothing for myself.

I tried really hard to not complain, I hate it when people complain about trivial things especially when they really aren't in a position to complain (i.e. when your parents/significant other/sugar daddy/whatever are paying for everything and all you basically have to do is show up to class or nothing is ever absolutely perfect and everything is a catastrophe. Seriously? GTFO.); I feel like a hypocrite when I do because I feel so strongly about that whole "Everything you do has a consequence and if you want anything you have to work hard for it" motto that I grew up on. I feel as though as long as you have been given the gift of waking up in the morning and seeing the faces of those you love, you just need to stop bitching.

But sometimes life can get overwhelming and everyone, including myself, has a breaking point. You reach a point where you've pent up so much frustration that the slightest thing ticks you off, another blog I follow calls this the Sneaky Hate Spiral. While that makes light of the situation, it can sometimes be so frustrating to the point where you're so stressed that you're literally sitting in the shower in the fetal position crying like a baby. Or you're sitting at a stoplight on your way to school and some song triggers something in you and you're a sobbing, swollen eyed wreck by the time you get to class.

These last few weeks of my fall semester have taken a lot out of me, there was a point where I became so upset that I truly thought that I was failing everything and all of the time, effort and money that I had spent on my education was all for naught. I thought of how much easier it would be if my Mom were here to tell me I would make it, to help me with my homework and to just sit and talk to me about my day. It is during these difficult periods that I really miss her, and I realize how wonderful it was to have her comforting smile and safe embrace when I felt lost.

I felt lost, I felt hopeless, I felt like a total failure. I was sick and tired of people wanting things of me, and not understanding or getting mad when I couldn't give it to them. Most of all I just really missed my mom.

It was then that I realized how important those quiet times alone really are to my sanity. I need a time where I am not bothered by anyone, where I can just sit and relax with a book, or put in one of my favourite movies that I've seen dozens of times. Its during those times that I am allowed to really meditate, to calm myself down and think. I reach levels of serenity and awareness that I wouldn't be able to reach if someone were talking to me. It's okay to admit that sometimes we just don't want to hear anyone else's opinion because we already know the answer to our own problem; its much easier to come to it ourselves sometimes.

So if I ignore your phone calls, don't answer your texts or lie and say I have things planned for the weekend when I don't; don't take offense, don't get mad and please just accept the lie or call me out and say "Lauren, just tell me you don't want to go, that you just want to be alone for God's sake." All I ask is to just allow me my quiet nights at home, I would do the same for you.

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